Anyone who has had the luxury of experiencing the traffic in Karachi, will understand when I say there is a certain wisdom hidden in the chaos on the streets. Ultimately, if you’re super agile and a glass-half-full kind of person, you can not only live through the road rage-driven manslaughter attempts, but also learn countless life lessons in the meantime.
When I was a young girl, my mom taught me to look in both directions before crossing a street. However, I would also always go outside with an adult, so there was never really the need to do the ‘looking’ on my own. One fine day, my parents decided I was finally old enough to take on the street, and I was sent out to fetch something from a shop just across the street. After an hour of my 12-year-old self not returning home from a trip that should’ve taken five minutes, a search party consisting of my brothers and cousins was sent out. They discovered me standing spellbound at the end of my own street, vigorously shaking my head from left to right like a crazy person, trying to catch a break from the oncoming traffic to cross the road.
This was my first true introduction to Karachi's traffic, following which I have spent countless hours wondering how thin the line between reckless driving and attempted murder is. After a decade of making qualitative observations while also pulling my hair out, I finally have 10 tips which I firmly believe will make travelling in Karachi a less confusing experience.
1. Be unpredictable
Have your right indicator on? Spice things up by turning left! Or, if you’re feeling extra daring, leave the indicator on for a few miles before turning anywhere at all. It’s important to do whatever it takes to keep people guessing.
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2. Own the streets
Feel free to take a U-turn on a one-way bridge if you decide you don’t like the way it feels under you, or even if you simply feel like going the other way now.
Carpe diem! Live your life now; rules will be there tomorrow too.
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3. Seat belt? Pfft!
Wearing a seat belt shows you don’t have faith in God, and are dependent on manmade contraptions instead. So, don’t be a lil’ twerp and admit that the safar ki dua (pre-travel prayer) is all the protection you need on the road.
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4. Don't follow the bright lights
Think of traffic signals more like suggestions – rather than existing for legal purposes – and don’t take them too seriously. Yes, it’s better if you come to a halt when the signal turns red, but it’s also okay if you don’t.
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We are an understanding people; we recognise your time is more important than other people’s lives.
5. Live every day like your last
Pedestrians, if you want to cross Shahrae Faisal, don’t waste your time finding a pedestrian bridge! Just recite Bismillah and cross the busy no-signal corridor while holding up your hand in a gesture that screams,
“Let me cross the road, or hit me and have my blood on your hands!”[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="484"]
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After all, YOLO (you only live once).
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6. Take a moment to reconnect
See a friend on the road? By all means, slow down, put your foot on their motorcycle affectionately, and have a yelling conversation for the next couple of kilometres, all while the traffic behind you drags on. After all, what’s the point of having a road, if not making it possible to have such heart-warming interactions?
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7. Be like Triple'D aka Dare Devil Danish
If you are a cool guy, there is no better way to establish how ‘yo’ you are than doing wheelies in fast traffic lanes. Girls around you will immediately get excited and start shouting and pointing! Who cares if they’re shouting things like,
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8. *Beep* it
It is a scientifically verified fact that if not used regularly, machines will lose their functionality and become obsolete. Please do not let your car horn die from lack of usage! Ideally (as I have seen our drivers do), you should maintain a ratio of honking 10 times for every one time you apply the brakes.
Here’s an even simpler measure: If people around you are not looking at you with hate in their eyes, you aren’t honking enough.
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9. Learn to read between the 'lanes'
Being in the right lane is your birth right. If everyone agrees that the colour of your skin shouldn’t determine your civil liberties, then why should the speed of your vehicle be allowed to determine what lane you drive in?
Fight the power! Overtake from the left, and slow down once you’re in the right-most lane. After all, the middle finger exists for a reason.
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10. If Google can be right, then so can you!
There is no such thing as going the “wrong way” – it’s all a creatively crafted lie the government feeds you. Whichever direction you want to take ‘is’ the right way.
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Little known fact: when you’re on a street and are confused about which way you want to go, you are on Schrödinger’s Street! It exists in all directions until you make up your mind and cross the road.
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And finally, do not forget that the only real person on the road with a family, life, dreams, and someplace to go is ‘you’. Everyone else is like a disposable character from Grand Theft Auto (GTA), just randomly strewn around to make things more interesting for you. In fact, just pretend you’re playing GTA V, and you’ll be all set to tackle the streets of Karachi head on.
Remember, the responsibility of putting the “suffer” in everyone else’s safar (travel) lies on your weak shoulders, so good luck, and may the force (not the traffic police force though) be with you!